Massacre on 34th Street

(All screen captures are the property of World Wrestling Entertainment)

Massacre on 34^th Street

December 3, 2000

Hammerstein Ballroom

New York City, New York

News & Notes: ECW made a shocking announcement after November to Remember. They said Scott Hall appeared backstage at their TV taping. ECW didn’t show him on TV, but Styles told fans to go to the website for exclusive pictures. Then Jasmin St. Claire claimed she was going to interview Hall, but it was the Blue Boy doing his old Blue Guy shtick. (Hall appeared on house shows and worked with Justin Credible, but they didn’t show this on TV.) Meanwhile, Joey said Angel suffered second-degree burns during the flaming table match. This didn’t stop him from returning to attack Chilly Willy with a chair.

Those are the only extra storylines. You can tell the end is near because ECW didn’t even fill the little TV time they had left. They used half of their episodes for recaps and replays.

The show opens with a Steve Corino promo, but part of DeAngelis’ ring introductions interrupts it. Corino says he is walking into a PPV as the champion for the first time. Then Steve insults famous champions who wrestled in New York. Corino says Sammartino sucked and Pedro Morales is on welfare. However, he won’t insult Backlund because he’s insane. Next, Steve says Dreamer, Taz, and Ric Flair never wrestled here as world champions. And as far as his opponents tonight, Steve vows to do anything to defeat them. After all, Corino is the toughest guy in the locker room. With that said, Corino grows paranoid. He read an internet report that said Jack Victory wants his title. Jack assures Steve it’s too heavy for him, but this doesn’t convince Corino. Once Jack leaves the room, Steve says he could kick his ass.

Now Joey and Joel welcome everyone to New York. Joey introduces himself before handing the mic to Gertner. Joel gives everyone his longest dirty middle name ever. He calls himself the lyrical miracle and the sexual intellectual. Joel even implies he slept with the fans’ mothers, but they cheer him anyway. Once Joel finishes, Joey says to forget the tree in Rockefeller Center and Macy’s window because there’s a Massacre on 34^th Street tonight! This leads to the opening video.

Afterward, Simon and Swinger arrive for the opening contest. Simon has a problem again, and Gertner agrees with him. They injured Gertner’s arm, so Joel wants to see them get their comeuppance. Before Simon can say more, Dawn Marie appears with a paper in her hand. She takes DeAngelis’ mic and presents a proposition to Simon, Swinger, York, and Matthews. Dawn has a managerial contract. Whoever wins this bout will get her services! This includes her great knowledge of the wrestling business. York and Matthews like what they hear, but Simon and Swinger jump them while they check out Dawn’s ass.

Winner Gets Dawn Marie as a Manager: Christian York & Joey Matthews vs. Simon & Swinger

Storyline: The issues between York, Matthews, Simon, and Swinger didn’t stop after November to Remember. York and Matthews rescued Tommy Dreamer when Anderson, Simon, and Swinger attacked him. This didn’t prevent Simon and Swinger from targeting Styles and Gertner next. They still had a problem with the disrespect Joey and Joel showed them at the PPV. Simon dared the commentators to fight, but Joel and Joey had a better idea. They called out Dreamer, York, and Matthews to face Simon, Swinger, and Anderson instead. During the bout, Gertner interfered and got hurt, but Dreamer let Gertner pin Simon for the win. Despite his injury, Gertner promised a surprise for Simon and Swinger at this show.

The Match: Simon and Swinger hit a double gorilla press, but York and Matthews answer with their own double-teaming. This lasts until Swinger clocks York with an enziguri on the apron. Now Simon and Swinger nail the Swing Thing, a double STO, and Simon’s rolling suplexes. However, Swinger’s flying clothesline takes down Simon by mistake. This allows York to land a sit-out flapjack and tag Matthews. He cleans house and clears the ring before York and Matthews do dives to the outside. Back in the ring, Simon and Swinger crotch York on the top rope. Simon also gives Joey the Simonizer. York is still on the turnbuckles, so they go for more. When Simon and Swinger climb to meet him, Matthews stops them with a low blow and York does a sunset bomb. Joey follows with a Frankensteiner on Swinger, and York ends it with the Rebel Yell.

Thoughts: This contained fun and exciting action, but they kept it too short. It left me wanting more. But I get it. This was only the opening contest. They need time for the bigger bouts, so it’s fine.

Winners: York & Matthews (5:38)

Dawn Marie hugs York, but then she rakes his eyes! Gertner says something isn’t right, so he leaves the commentary booth to help. While this happens, Simon and Swinger drop York with the Problem Solver and celebrate with Dawn. Joey says she was with Simon and Swinger all along! (Why didn’t she help them win if she was on their side?) As Simon, Swinger, and Dawn leave, Gertner checks on York and Matthews. Styles says Joel will have something for Simon and Swinger when they are in Queens on December 15^th. (Didn’t he promise a surprise for this show?)

Backstage, Doring and Roadkill talk about their upcoming tag title shot. Doring says they didn’t go to the House of Hardcore school to get their hair cut or Roadkill’s beard shaved. They paid their dues and graduated to take the FBI’s belts! Danny promised they would split up if they didn’t win. He also heard the internet rumors, but they aren’t true. The FBI won’t bury Doring and Roadkill tonight! This is their night, and they worked too fucking hard for it! Tonight, they leave this room as contenders, but they are coming back. He lets Roadkill finish the sentence. You think Roadkill will say chickens, but he says champions instead.

Now Hot Commodity comes to the ring for a match. Elektra pulls down EZ Money’s tights to put a dollar bill in his g-string. Styles says he doesn’t want to see this. But then the camera cuts to a shot of Joey in the booth. Joey wonders what is happening until Cyrus enters the scene. He takes a headset, which doesn’t work. It starts working during Balls Mahoney’s entrance.

EZ Money (w/ Elektra, Chris Hamrick, & Julio Dinero) vs. Balls Mahoney

The Match: They trade taunts, takedowns, and knockdowns until Balls tumbles outside on a missed wheel kick. Now Money lands a plancha, and Hot Commodity attacks Balls. They roll him inside for more, but Balls clotheslines Money to the floor. This time, Balls does a plancha on Hot Commodity. After fighting on the apron, Mahoney looks for a New Jersey Jam, but it misses. This allows Money to take over with a Money Clip and a jawbreaker. Balls answers with a superplex, but EZ fires back with Money in the Bank. It only earns two, so Money argues with the ref. While this happens, Balls nails a superkick and gets his chair. He fires up and goes to swing, but Hamrick grabs the weapon. Sensing trouble, Hot Commodity swarms Balls. Julio gives him a neckbreaker, Hamrick does the Confederate Crunch, and Money performs a moonsault for the win.

Thoughts: This was okay. It contained decent action, but the finish annoyed me. I get ECW is wild and lawless, but why would the ref allow such blatant interference without a word? He wasn’t unconscious or distracted. They didn’t even try to explain this, so the ending felt rushed and a little lazy. (On a side note, I didn’t provide storyline information because there wasn’t a build for this. The same is true about the next bout.)

Winner: EZ Money (7:52)

Hot Commodity continues the attack, so Nova comes to rescue Mahoney. He fends off Hot Commodity with strikes and clotheslines. Plus, Nova backdrops Dinero onto his teammates. Nova follows this with a plancha before rolling Dinero inside. When he joins Julio, the ref rings the bell for an impromptu contest. (During this bout, Joey mocks Julio Dinero because Julio painted lines between his abs to make them stand out more. Styles doesn’t outright state it, but he says you don’t get abs like that from working out. He’s right. You get those abs from an Ab-Abber 2000. Let’s see who gets this reference.)

Nova (w/ Balls Mahoney) vs. Julio Dinero (w/ Elektra, EZ Money, & Chris Hamrick)

The Match: Balls chases Hot Commodity with a chair while Nova lands the Sledge-o-Matic. However, he doesn’t stop Hamrick from doing a springboard dropkick. This opens the door for Dinero’s Vertebreaker. (It’s a fireman’s carry neckbreaker, not Shane Helms’ move.) Julio also scores a moonsault and an STO. Undeterred, Nova dares Julio to bring it on. When he does, Nova nails an enziguri. He even shoves Dinero into Hamrick’s chair shot and performs the Spin Doctor. Now Elektra gets in the ring and slaps Nova, so he drops her with the Kryptonite Crunch. This draws the ire of Hot Commodity. They attack behind the ref’s back and give Nova a double-team bomb, but Balls takes them out with chair shots. This allows Nova to land a Swanton Bomb for the three.

Thoughts: This was wild and chaotic, but they at least use ref distractions to explain it this time. It’s another encounter that was fine, but forgettable. Nonetheless, the crowd still enjoyed this, despite the lack of a build. So I can’t fault it too much.

Winner: Nova (5:57)

Now we hear from Rhino. He says people call New York hardcore, but they have never been to Detroit! Rhino says only pussies come from New York, just like Dudleyville. And Spike Dudley is the biggest pussy of them all. Spike made his presence known and interfered in Rhino’s matches, so he put Spike’s head through a table. Rhino says he only kept Spike alive because he knew about tonight. He wanted tonight to happen, but he might not have the compassion to let Spike live another day. If he does, Spike will look at his maimed body in the mirror, and he will never forget the name of Rhino!

Tag Team Title Match: Danny Doring & Roadkill vs. The F.B.I. (c) (w/ Sal E. Graziano)

Storyline: The FBI mocked the Sinister Minister for his injury at November to Remember. Big Sal threatened to cut off the minister’s remaining fingers with a pair of scissors, which horrified Tony Mamaluke. This wouldn’t be the last time the FBI threatened their enemies with scissors. They attacked Doring and Roadkill after a match, and Sal used the scissors to cut Doring’s hair. Then Sal gave Roadkill a Banzai Drop and clipped his beard! Styles said you never do that to an Amish man. Afterward, Sal mocked Roadkill by holding the remnants of the beard to his own chin. Later, Doring and Roadkill invaded the commentary booth. They were so angry they almost beat up Joey Styles simply because he had Italian heritage. Doring also promised they would win the tag titles or they would split up as a team.

The Match: Guido and Doring trade holds and takedowns until they have a stand-off. Then Tony scores arm drags on Roadkill, but Roadkill answers with a press slam and a springboard elbow drop. Doring and Roadkill also hit the Lancaster Lariat. Nevertheless, Mamaluke sends Roadkill outside and turns a plancha into a DDT on the floor! This opens the door for double-teaming by the FBI. They subdue Doring with a flapjack and the Sicilian Slice. Guido even adds an Italian leg sweep, but Doring fires back with the G-Spot Sweep and tags Roadkill.

He cleans house and lands the Barn Burner and an Amish Bomb, so Sal interferes. While Roadkill fights with Sal, Doring does a sloppy super gutbuster on Tony, which the crowd boos. Once Tony recovers, the FBI puts Roadkill in a double armbar, but he escapes. Plus, Doring kicks Tony off the apron and into the stands! (This brings the fans back into it after the earlier botch.) With Tony down, Guido returns and looks for the Kiss of Death, but Roadkill counters it. He moves Guido into position for the Buggy Bang and the victory.

Thoughts: This was good fun. They kept it at a fine pace and made it exciting. Yeah, they had the one botch, but they more than made up for it. Plus, I liked the finish. And it’s nice to see Doring and Roadkill win the titles. They should have done this sooner.

Winners: Doring & Roadkill (New Champions) (9:01)

Backstage, Spike Dudley mocks Rhino’s promo before saying fuck you to him. He reminds everybody he beat Bam Bam Bigelow, 911, Curtis Hughes, and all the Dudleys at the same time. Then Rhino broke his leg and put him out of action for nine months. Now Rhino says he will let him live? No, Spike will let Rhino live as TV champ! Spike tries to say more, but he loses his train of thought. When he recovers, Spike yells, “Fuck you, motherfucker!”

After the promo, they show an enthusiastic ring crew member wiping the ropes with a towel. The crowd encourages him as he circles the entire ring. (This guy will come into play later. Let’s call him Chekhov’s towel boy.) This leads to C.W. Anderson’s entrance. Some fan has a sign that says, “CW = can’t wrestle.” That guy is a moron. Once Dreamer arrives, Anderson interrupts DeAngelis. C.W. calls Dreamer a New York pussy and spits in his face, so Tommy attacks him.

C.W. Anderson vs. Tommy Dreamer

Storyline: ECW showed a promo Tommy Dreamer cut before November to Remember went on the air. Tommy was in the middle of hyping up the crowd when Diamond and C.W. Anderson interrupted him. Simon wanted Tommy to admit he was the reason Dreamer couldn’t wrestle anymore. Since Dreamer refused, Anderson attacked him, but York and Matthews rescued Tommy. This led to the six-man tag I mentioned earlier. During the bout, Dreamer kicked out of Anderson’s spinebuster. Tommy also put C.W. through a table with the Spicolli Driver. But the biggest insult came when Dreamer let Gertner pin Simon. Anderson punished them for this by attacking Gertner and injuring him. Later, Anderson told Dreamer this wasn’t personal. He only wanted to use Dreamer as a stepping stone to better things.

The Match: They exchange strikes until Tommy makes Anderson beg off. C.W. tries to lure him in, but it doesn’t work. Tommy takes him to the mat and they trade holds. He targets Anderson’s arm for a while, but Anderson answers with an armbreaker and a superkick. He even crotches Dreamer on the rail and grabs a chair. Anderson puts the weapon against the post and attempts to break Tommy’s arm. Afterward, he busts Tommy open with the chair before they do some crowd brawling. When they return, the arm work continues. Anderson uses the chair again, but it backfires. Tommy crotches him on it. Then Tommy does a rope rake around the ring, so the fans encourage him the same way they did with the towel boy. And speaking of our young friend, CW drags him into the fight.

Anderson whips the towel boy into Tommy, but Tommy lifts him for a kick to Anderson’s chest. This draws out Lou E. Dangerously. He breaks a cell phone over Dreamer’s head, so Paul Heyman appears and does the same to Lou! Now Dreamer scores the Spicolli Driver, but he only gets two! When C.W. recovers, he lands the Ferris Wheel for two. Next, Dreamer puts Anderson in a tree of woe and dropkicks a chair into his face. He also grabs a table, which winds up flat on the mat. Tommy gives Anderson a superplex onto it, which still isn’t enough! But Tommy rebounds with the Tommyhawk before turning the table upside down with the legs sticking up! It’s a mistake. Anderson counters a Spicolli Driver into a spinebuster on the leg of the table for the win!

Thoughts: This was good. I enjoyed the storytelling and the brutal ending. However, one aspect keeps this from being great. They had too many false finishes. One even got a small bullshit chant. The final spot almost made up for it, but it didn’t quite succeed.

Winner: C.W. Anderson (16:47)

Backstage, the Sinister Minister enters the Unholy Alliance’s locker room. This surprises Mikey and Tajiri. They didn’t expect him to return yet. Then the Minister tells them not to pay the ransom because he escaped! He wasn’t going to let some stigmata hold him down. One may have flown over the cuckoo’s nest, but he thrives in it. With that said, the Minister shares a hearty laugh with Mikey and Tajiri.

TV Title Match: Rhino (c) vs. Spike Dudley

Storyline: Rhino closed himself in a dark corner of the arena after November to Remember. He ranted and raved about everyone on the roster he wanted to destroy. One of those people was Spike Dudley. Rhino dared Spike to get revenge for his broken leg. He even bragged about breaking it because he gets off on other people’s pain. After another week of this, Spike had enough. He ignored Heyman and the ECW officials. Spike stormed into Rhino’s room and locked the door behind him. Heyman and his crew tried to pry the door open, but it took them too long. By the time they got inside, Rhino was bashing Spike’s head into a locker. Once Spike was unconscious, Rhino said he got his fix. Later, Rhino beat Kid Kash in a TV Title rematch, but Spike attacked Rhino afterward. He leapfrogged a Gore and gave Rhino the Acid Drop.

The Match: Spike rushes to the ring and attempts an Acid Drop. Rhino blocks it, but Spike does the Gore! He also trips Rhino, so Rhino sends him outside and gets some chairs. Rhino busts Spike open with them and drops him face-first onto the weapon. Next, Rhino targets Spike’s bad leg, but Spike counters by throwing the chair at Rhino’s head. Now Spike uses flying chair shots before they head into the crowd. This leads to a balcony dive by Spike! When they return, they do a series of counters which end with Spike going through a table. Once Rhino collects Spike, he nails the Gore, but Spike rolls outside to avoid the pin. This allows Spike to grab a chair and target Rhino’s knee. Spike tapes him to the ropes and looks to break Rhino’s leg, but Rhino escapes. He uses the tape to choke Spike unconscious.

Thoughts: I enjoyed this. They had good intensity and told a nice story. This made Spike look like a fighter, even in defeat. It also contained some brutal spots. Some might have been too brutal. I’m pretty sure Spike suffered a concussion.

Winner: Rhino (9:51)

Rhino doesn’t release the choke. He keeps going until Spike vomits on the mat, much to Styles’ disgust. Once the officials pry him off Spike, Rhino grabs a chair and hits Spike in the head. The refs move Rhino away again, but this time, Rhino gets a table. Joey begs someone to get Spike out of there. Mike Keener tries to stop him, so Rhino gores Mike through the table instead. While this happens, Cyrus says he enjoys this, so Joey says they should deport Cyrus to Canada.

Meanwhile, Francine enters Corino’s locker room. She wants to see the belt, so Corino opens his jacket to show her he’s wearing it. Then Francine attempts to seduce Corino, but he says he already took care of himself. He suggests she do a high spot with Jack Victory instead. Francine says Jack sometimes holds Corino’s belt, so that’s good enough. She takes Victory into the bathroom, but Corino realizes he wants to join them. When Corino knocks on the door, Justin Credible ambushes him with his cane. He whacks and stomps Corino while Steve begs for help. Once Corino is down, Justin knocks on the bathroom door and tells Francine they’re done. We hear Jack Victory scream in pain. Joey says he wants to forget he saw this.

Now it’s time for the Unholy Alliance vs. Super Crazy and a mystery partner. The Alliance attacks Crazy before his teammate arrives. While they beat up Crazy, Kid Kash’s music plays. He runs to the ring and helps Crazy fight back.

The Unholy Alliance (w/ The Sinister Minister) vs. Super Crazy & Kid Kash

Storyline: ECW showed exclusive footage of the Sinister Minister’s injury on TV. The cops wouldn’t let the cameraman get close to him. They even threatened to arrest the crew for getting in the way. Later, we also learned Mikey suffered a pinched nerve at the PPV, but he would be fine. Since Crazy filled in for Mikey, he teamed with them against Hot Commodity, but the partnership imploded. Crazy and Tajiri blamed each other for a loss to Hot Commodity. Mikey attempted to play the peacemaker, but Crazy and Tajiri demanded a match. During the contest, Mikey stopped trying to salvage the situation and gave Crazy the Whippersnapper to help Tajiri win. This led to a challenge. Mikey told Crazy to find a partner and face the Unholy Alliance.

The Match: Kash and Mikey trade takedowns and counters until they have a stand-off. Then Crazy and Tajiri do the same before performing stereo kip-ups. Afterward, Tajiri attacks Crazy’s legs and puts him in a Sharpshooter in the ropes. Plus, the Minister helps them sandwich Kash’s head between two chairs. This causes a brawl, and everybody dives to the outside. Back inside, the Alliance double-teams Kash until Kash drops Mikey with a Falcon Arrow on a chair. Undeterred, Mikey rallies with two Whippersnappers on a chair and a table! Not to be outdone, Crazy lands moonsaults onto Tajiri before everyone fights with chairs again. Tajiri gets Crazy in the Tarantula, but Kash breaks it. This leads to Kash and Mikey brawling outside. While this happens, Tajiri covers Crazy in chairs, puts a table over him, and does a flying stomp onto it for the win!

Thoughts: This was a collection of escalating violent spots with an insane finish. It almost became too messy, but I enjoyed watching it. The only minor gripe is it sometimes dragged, but I still liked this.

Winners: The Unholy Alliance (18:24)

Now we see Da Baldies exiting a subway. Angel says they took the train from the Brizzonx to Manhattan. ECW could have held their PPV anywhere, but there’s no better place than New York fucking City! DeVito says there will be a Massacre on 34^th Street tonight. (Shouldn’t this have opened the show?)

Afterward, we get the entrances for the main event. Justin Credible makes everyone wait before he appears. Joey compares it to icing a kicker in football. Once everyone arrives, the fans chant Sandman’s name.

Three-Way Dance for the ECW Title: Steve Corino (c) (w/ Jack Victory) vs. Jerry Lynn vs. Justin Credible (w/ Francine)

Storyline: Credible’s loss at November to Remember only escalated his issues with Francine. She complained until Credible vowed to regain his title to shut her up. However, things got worse. Credible caught Francine asking Corino to make her his new manager. She claimed she was trying to set him up, but Justin didn’t believe her. Justin threatened Corino, so Steve tried to convince him Jerry Lynn was the problem. It didn’t work. Meanwhile, Cyrus no longer had the Network, so he refocused his attention on Jerry Lynn. Cyrus did everything he could to sign Jerry as his client. He promised to make Lynn champion again. Later, Lynn fought Corino for the ECW Title. Dawn Marie distracted Corino, so Joey wondered if Lynn asked her to do it. Before we learned the answer, Credible injured Lynn with a cane shot. Sandman took Lynn’s place, much to Corino’s chagrin.

The Match: Justin tries a cane attack before everyone exchanges strikes and takedowns. This leads to brawling outside. Credible appears to injure his knee on the guardrail, but he recovers and joins the fight. Back inside, Justin grabs a mic and insults his opponents while attacking them. He even uses the mic as a weapon. Later, they head back to the floor for a bit. When they return, Credible powerbombs Lynn. Now Lynn reverses That’s Incredible and does the move to Justin, so Francine interferes. She grabs Lynn from behind in a suggestive way, but Lynn knows what is coming. He avoids the low blow, which hits Justin instead. Justin also clocks Francine in the face by mistake. Nevertheless, Justin kicks Lynn and eliminates him with That’s Incredible. (Cyrus calls it another screwjob and leaves the commentary booth. Meanwhile, the fans chant for Sandman again.)

This leaves Corino and Credible. They brawl in the aisle, but the cameraman focuses on Francine instead. The cameraman seems woozy because he won’t stop swaying. Once they switch to another camera, we see Corino has a ladder. It backfires on Corino, and Justin takes him into the stands. They head to the balcony, where Justin chokes Steve and tries to throw him over the edge. Steve hangs on, but Credible knocks him to the floor. (The cameraman almost misses this too, and he’s still swaying! Is he drunk?) When they go back to the ring, we get a chop-fest until Justin nails That’s Incredible. It only gets two! Since it didn’t work, Justin uses the ladder. This time, Corino evades a charge. Credible crashes into the ladder, and Corino lands the Expulsion for the three.

Thoughts: I wanted to like this because it contained good action, but the awful camera work took me out of it. They missed one of the most important spots. I saw a camera follow them into the crowd, but they never switched to the shot. Did the director fall asleep? We were stuck with what appeared to be a drunk cameraman wobbling all over the place. It ruined this.

Winner: Steve Corino (22:51)

Before Corino can celebrate, the Sandman’s music plays. He takes out Jack Victory and breaks the cane over Corino’s head. Then Sandman steals the belt. He says Corino might be the champion, but the gold belongs to him now. While Sandman holds the title up, he drinks a beer. Joey can’t believe this. He asks someone to make sense of it.

The Good:

• The opener

• Doring & Roadkill vs. The FBI

• Anderson vs. Dreamer

• Rhino vs. Spike

The Bad:

• The awful camera work

Performer of the Night:

I’m giving it to Doring and Roadkill. Doring cut a nice promo. Plus, they had a good match. I’m glad they won the belts.

Final Thoughts:

This was another strong showing from ECW. Yeah, the cameraman ruined the main event for me, but that wasn’t the performers’ fault. They still had a fine match. Everything else ranged from decent to great. Once again, ECW puts on a good PPV, despite the turmoil behind the scenes.

Thank you for reading. My next review is the WWF’s Armageddon 2000. Look for it next Sunday.