1997 Slammy Awards

(All screen captures are the property of World Wrestling Entertainment)

The Slammy Awards

March 21, 1997

Westin Hotel

Chicago, Illinois

News & Notes: Vince McMahon always desired an Emmy Award for the WWF. This never happened, so Vince created his own awards show. He named it The Slammy Awards. The first one aired in 1986 on Mtv. It helped promote the release of The Wrestling Album. They aired another one in 1987. It included a musical performance by Vince himself. McMahon sang a number called “Stand Back.” (They later use footage of this to mock Vince.) The concept disappeared again until 1994. It returned as a special episode of WWF Mania. Then they brought back the full ceremony in 1996. The highlight was Todd Pettengill doing a Billy Crystal-esque song and dance number. He does the same for this event.

I’ll save the storyline discussion for my Mania review. But I want to introduce two new tag teams and some characters featured on this program. First, we have The Headbangers (Mosh & Thrasher). They debuted as a masked jobber team called The Spiders. Then they switched to the Headbanger gimmick in SMW. Mosh & Thrasher are metalheads. They wear heavy metal t-shirts and wrestle in skirts. Vince calls it an alternative lifestyle. When they first joined the WWF, they wrestled as The Flying Nuns. (Yes, I’m serious.) That idea was short-lived. They returned to the Headbanger characters. The second tag team is The New Blackjacks. Bradshaw and Barry Windham joined forces to reform a classic pairing from the 70s and 80s. They have familial ties to the original duo. Windham is the son of Blackjack Mulligan. Bradshaw is the nephew of Blackjack Lanza. Both men cut and dyed their hair black to match the originals. They also grew some glorious mustaches.

Now, I need to introduce some characters. I don’t want to, but I must explain them. Vince took two WWF employees and turned them into caricatures of wrestling fans. Their names are George & Adam. The gimmick is they’re awkward losers. (This is how Vince views his fans.) At the Royal Rumble, they camped out for tickets. But the WWF kicked them out of the building before the event began. We saw multiple skits involving George & Adam. They always resulted in unfunny hijinks. It gets worse on this show.

I also want to point out an odd quirk. Vince nominated random celebrities in many of the categories. None of them attended the event. But you’ll see their names in the nominations. This is Vince’s desperate attempt to be mainstream and hip. I doubt many of them knew of their inclusion.

The show opens with Todd doing his Billy Crystal imitation. He performs a medley of songs. They include show tunes, TV show themes, rock songs, and even a Christmas carol. I won’t transcribe everything. But here are some highlights. Todd begins by saying McMahon has nuts, Ted Turner doesn’t. Then we learned a few things from the lyrics. Sycho Sid hears voices in his head. (They council him. They understand.) Sunny is lopsided. Owen Hart is a flat-earther. Stone Cold is belligerent and mean to his family. Oh, and Todd believes Chyna has a penis. It wasn’t as good as his 1996 song and dance. Todd stumbled a few times. He forgot his lines during a section about The Undertaker. Pettengill also thinks nothing rhymes with The Sultan. How about insulting, bolting, Bolton, or molten? Did he even try?

Vince and Lawler are the announcers for the evening. McMahon believes award shows are boring and long. But Jerry promises The Slammys aren’t! You won’t hear long speeches here. No one will thank their family and friends. They’ll thank themselves! Lawler also claims it will be a hair-raising experience. In McMahon’s case, it’s a toupee-raising one.

New Sensation Award

(Presented by Super Soaker)

Ahmed Johnson presents the award because he won last year. Lawler says he’ll translate. He speaks Ebonics! (Oh, no! This will be a long night.) Johnson rejects the speech an agent gave him. He’s not a puppet. Those are the guys in the other federation. He also asks everyone to give Shawn Michaels support in this trying time. (Was that sarcasm?) Then they show the nominees. All the nominee videos include black and white stock footage. It looks like something from the silent film era.

Nominees:

• Stone Cold Steve Austin

• Wildman Marc Mero

• Flash Funk

• Mankind

• Rocky Maivia

Ahmed then says, “The winner is Stone—I don’t think so! Rocky Maivia!” (Austin is pissed.) The fans cheer when they think it’s Austin. But they boo Rocky’s name. You can already tell the winners are kayfabe. Vince claims fans voted, but the results fit the storylines too well.

Maivia proves Lawler wrong. He thanks god and his wife Dany. (This is odd. They had Rocky bring supermodel Cindy Margolis as a date. But he thanked his wife.) Then Rocky dedicates the award to his father, Rocky Johnson. It was an awkward speech. He isn’t quite The Rock yet.

Todd says the voting was close. Austin came in second. Stone Cold doesn’t like this. He storms the stage and threatens Pettengill. Austin says he never came in second to anybody. Then Steve accuses Rocky of voting for himself. He wants to know how high Maivia’s phone bill was. Next, Austin turns his focus to Bret Hart. He calls his win at Survivor Series lucky. Bret will feel his wrath at Mania. Steve also threatens Ken Shamrock. He better call the match down the middle or else! Stone Cold says he’s the most dangerous man, not Ken. 1997 is his year.

If you call now, you can vote for the Miss Slammy competition! The participants are Sable, Sunny, Marlena, Flash Funk’s Funkettes (Tracy & Nadine), and Chyna. But kids need their parent’s permission first! (Why are kids voting on this?)

Dressed to Kill Award (Best Dressed)

(Presented by Dimension Films)

The presenters are The Honky Tonk Man and supermodel Cindy Margolis. Honky doesn’t know Cindy’s name. He calls her Margoofus. Then he tells her to stop hanging out with that Chia Pet head, Rocky Maivia. Cindy mocks Honky for never reaching the charts. She also calls his hairstyle outdated. A nominee video airs before Honky can complain. It includes snarky comments from Jim Cornette.

Nominees:

• Shawn Michaels

• Sable

• Marlena

• Flash Funk

• The Undertaker

Sable is the winner. Marc Mero joins her on stage, but he has to walk with a cane.

Marc speaks first. He says Sable is a killer, whether or not she’s dressed. She’s shocked because she thought he wasn’t looking. Mero says, “I lied!” (They’re married. Why wouldn’t he look?) Sable then thanks the McMahons for letting her work in the best wrestling company in the world. (Let’s see how she feels in two years.) Then she thanks Marc. He means everything to her. Sable also thanks her designer and friend, Sandra Gray. (Total Divas fans will know that name.) Sable claims 1997 is the year of the cat. (Ernest Miller?) They show Sunny gagging and rolling her eyes as the show heads to break.

Todd continues, but The Nation of Domination interrupts him. They’re fashionably late. The group enters to their theme, including a rap by PG-13. Everyone poses before taking their seats. Meanwhile, Vince spots Doink the Clown in the crowd. (The Brooklyn Brawler plays the role this time.) He spends the night squirting everyone with a Super Soaker. People become angrier with him as the night progresses.

Tattoo You Award (Best Tattoo)

Todd invites George & Adam to the stage. They stop eating and run around like maniacs. Pettengill reigns them in because they keep taking pictures. He has to explain their role to them. They awkwardly read the nominees.

Nominees:

• Drew Barrymore

• Crush

• Shawn Michaels

• The Undertaker

• Rocker, Tommy Lee

If this segment wasn’t sad enough, the WWF misspelled tattoo. Then George announces The Undertaker won. He freaks out. Adam does Taker’s pose. However, Todd believes Taker isn’t there. George & Adam seem sad until the band plays Taker’s theme. He enters the room and takes the stage while George pisses himself. (I wish I was joking.)

The Undertaker notices George’s accident. He lets out a loud groan. Taker then talks about his tattoos. He says the art on his flesh, the clothes on his back, and the death mask he wears are extensions of his soul. Then Taker quotes “My Way” by Frank Sinatra. (Pat Patterson must have loved that.) After the speech, Taker sits at one of the tables.

Todd then introduces The Funkettes. It’s the talent portion of the Miss Slammy competition. Tracy & Nadine dance to some licensed music. (The only one I recognized was “Firestarter” by Prodigy.) It’s an okay performance. They weren’t in sync. Lawler doesn’t care about the talent round. He wants swimsuits.

Match of the Year Award

(Presented by Milton Bradley Karate Fighters)

Todd welcomes the most knowledgeable man in wrestling, Jim Ross. We see JR’s wife Jan in the crowd. Ross says the athletes in the WWF get it done. They don’t talk about what they used to do.

Nominees:

• Shawn Michaels vs. Mankind (Mind Games)

• Bret Hart vs. Steve Austin (Survivor Series)

• Boiler Room Brawl (SummerSlam)

• Caribbean Strap Match (Beware of Dog 2)

• Ironman Match (WrestleMania XII)

The Ironman Match wins. Bret and Shawn accept the award. Shawn skips up and down the steps. (So much for that knee injury.)

Shawn speaks first. He praises both Bret and Earl Hebner. Michaels says Bret should be proud of the match. But Shawn points out he won that bout. He has a good chuckle about it. (I see he found his smile.) Then Bret thanks the fans who still believe in him. He also says they’ll see what happens next time if Shawn finds his smile again. Next, Bret addresses Austin. He tells him to remember the words I quit at Mania. Bret promises to tie Stone Cold in a pretzel.

Dok shills WrestleMania 13 merchandise. George, Adam, and some ladies model hockey jerseys and denim jackets. The superfans get a little handsy. (Stop that!) Meanwhile, Lawler spots Helen Hart in the audience and cackles.

Best Hair Day Award

(Presented by Coliseum Video)

The Legion of Doom presents the award because of their awesome hair. They’re happy to be in Chicago for Mania. Hawk mocks George for pissing himself. He makes bad urine jokes. Then Animal asks Hawk who does his hair. Hawk says, “Hydrochloric acid, final trim, lawn boy!” We then get a nominee video with comments by Cornette and JR.

Nominees:

• Shawn Michaels

• Hunter Hearst Helmsley

• Stone Cold Steve Austin (Because he’s bald!)

• Mankind (Because he rips out his hair.)

• Bret Hart

Helmsley wins. Doink squirts him as Hunter approaches the stage. Triple H tells Chyna to kill the clown. He also demands Pat Patterson do something about it.

Hunter tells Pettengill Chyna has words for him. She didn’t appreciate his song. Then Helmsley claims people had no choice but to vote for him. Look at his hair, wish you had it, and eat your heart out!

Next, they show a commercial for WrestleMania 13. The narrator speaks about danger, anger, and desperation. It’s the greatest PPV event of the year! But no one is happy about it. (That didn’t come off how they meant it. Are they already disappointed in the show?)

Loosest Screw Award

The presenters are Captain Lou Albano and Sunny. (They had to get their digs in at Sunny.) Lou rambles about having and managing loose screws. He also lists superstars in the crowd. He calls Sycho Sid, Sid Vicious. (I bet Vince hated that.) Then Sunny says people will have loose parts when they see her swimsuit. Someone in the crowd yells, “Take your top off!” (Was that a fan or a wrestler?)

Nominees:

• Sycho Sid

• Mankind

• Kramer (Seinfeld)

• Stone Cold Steve Austin

• Bob Backlund

Mankind wins. He celebrates with The Headbangers and Leif Cassidy. They hug and fall over. Lou Albano pats Mankind’s head.

Paul Bearer says it isn’t right. Everyone knows who’s the loosest screw. Isn’t that right, Miss Sunny? (Ouch) However, Mankind is elated. He thanks his role model and father-figure, Aldo Montoya! (They show Aldo without his mask. He looks odd. Oh, who am I kidding? He looks—just incredible.) Mankind then says, “With the exception of my kid being born, this is the greatest night in the history of my life!” He also addresses his wife, who is home sick. Mankind says, “Yo, Adrian. I did it! Have a nice day!” Lawler claims the stork who delivered Mankind’s kid was arrested for carrying dope.

The talent competition continues with Marlena. Goldust blindfolds her. She identifies cigars by taste and smell. Lawler says she knows how to smoke a cigar. There are no teeth marks! (Easy, Jerry.) Then Marlena calls one of the cigars trash. Goldust breaks it in half. She also asks for something long and smooth. But Goldust says that’s for later.

Best Bow Tie Award:

Todd starts introducing Owen Hart as the next presenter. Owen interrupts and begins celebrating. Pettengill explains Owen is presenting an award, not accepting one. Hart takes the envelope and stuffs it in his pocket. He then continues where he left off. Owen says, “Yes! I did it again. And I have no one to thank. I did it all by myself!” Owen tells Bulldog he may have two titles, but Owen has two Slammys! (Bulldog is all smiles.) Then Owen addresses their opponents at Mania, Vader & Mankind. Vader doesn’t have two Slammys because he’s a loser! They’re in for the fight of their life. Owen and his two Slammys are winners! (They never present the award. Owen stole it.)

Vader confronts Owen when he leaves the stage. Owen pushes a waiter into Vader. The pitchers of tea spill onto him. Vader chases Hart, so Owen throws chairs in his way. It causes Vader to trip and fall. But we see Vader smiling. (Both Vader and Bulldog couldn’t help but smile. Owen is great.)

Next, they show Sable’s talent. She’s in a karate dojo. It’s where she unwinds. Sit back and take a walk on the wild side with her. (How can I walk if I’m sitting back? Make up your mind, Sable!) Sable breaks blocks of wood with punches and kicks. She then looks into the camera and says, “Bruce who?” (Springsteen? Willis? I don’t know. I give up.) Sable isn’t just a pretty face. What do you think of her now?

After the break, Double J Jesse James sings his new song. It’s called “Something Gone Wrong.” Vince says it’s a reference to the Slammys. (He doesn’t sound happy about the show.) The performance is okay. He’s a little off-key. Plus, you hear a producer speaking for a few seconds. Jesse also gives Shawn Michaels a shout out during the song. (Is this the HBK show?) But I’ll give James credit for performing live and not lip-syncing.

Number One With a Bullet Award (Edel Music Award)

(Presented by “Full Metal: The Album”)

Dok Hendrix and Jumping John McNaley present the award. John is the president of Edel Music. They produced “Full Metal: The Album.” McNaley wears it around his neck like a medallion. Dok asks why his song “Kill the Clown” wasn’t on the CD. John says they wanted to sell copies. (Ouch.)

Nominees:

• “With My Baby Tonight” by Double J

• The Undertaker’s theme

• The Nation of Domination’s theme

• Flash Funk’s theme

• “I Know You Want Me” by Sunny

The Undertaker’s theme wins. Sid is either upset or has a headache. Doink sprays Taker as he approaches the stage.

Taker says the clown will need an undertaker soon if he doesn’t stop. Then he claims he chose his music. It tells his opponents it’s the beginning of the end. Taker dedicates the win to his fans—no, his creatures of the night. He says, “Rock in peace.”

The Miss Slammy swimsuit competition is next. Sunny is first. She does Bret Hart’s pose. (That will fuel rumors.) Chyna is supposed to be next, but Hunter isn’t having it. He says he withdrew her from the swimsuit round. She doesn’t belong with the silicon queens. She’s a rock hard killer. He also says they can’t show Sunny’s talent on TV. His best friend says she isn’t good at it anyway. (Hmm, I wonder who that is.) Next, we get The Funkettes. Todd says he’s an Oreo cookie between them. (Come on, Todd! Really?) Then Marlena arrives. She smokes a cigar and bends over to give everyone a show. Lawler says it’s the bust—best money can buy. Sable is last. She wears the smallest outfit. Lawler loses his mind. But Mero looks uncomfortable. (Vince finds it hilarious.)

Vince then tells fans to call and vote. But kids need their parents’ permission. (Again, why are kids voting on this?)

One, Two, He Got Him Award (Best Finisher)

(Presented by PlayStation)

The next presenter is The Ticking Time Bomb, Brian Pillman. He calls the swimsuit competition a glorified T&A exhibition. But Brian tells the ladies to take the dollars out of their g-strings and give them to him. (Bob Backlund looks annoyed at this.) Then Pillman mocks tonight’s winners. He calls Ahmed an Uncle Tom. Brian also implies Cindy Margolis is a prostitute. He follows that by calling Steve Austin sacrilegious. (Be careful. Jeff Jarrett gets heat for that same thing later in the year.) Brian then asks for the envelope. But they must show the nominees first.

Nominees:

• Sweet Chin Music – Shawn Michaels

• The Wild Thing – Marc Mero

• Powerbomb – Sycho Sid

• Stone Cold Stunner – Steve Austin

• Sharpshooter – Bret Hart

Pillman says he hopes this brings a smile to the winner’s face. It’s Shawn Michaels!

Shawn says he took off his shirt because it’s hot. But he means no offense to the Hart family. (I don’t get the connection.) Michaels also claims he won the award because he’s the only man who took all the other nominated moves. Then Shawn says he doesn’t want to keep making Bret mad. But he beat him with his finisher. Shawn then giggles and runs off stage. (What a dick.)

They return from break and show Dok dancing with Sunny. Todd also does a bad Stevie Wonder imitation.

Best Couple Award

(Presented by Double Mint Gum)

Vince and Lawler present this award. Lawler has much to say, but Vince interrupts him. They’re running low on time and Vince has no patience.

Nominees:

• Goldust & Marlena

• Bill & Hillary Clinton

• Marc Mero & Sable

• Sigfried & Roy

• Hunter Hearst Helmsley & Chyna

Jerry asks if he can at least read the winner. Vince replies, “It’s the closest you’ll ever come!” (He laughs at his own joke.) Lawler isn’t amused, especially when he sees Goldust & Marlena won. Jerry says Goldust bought his outfit at Elton John’s funwear for fellas.

Goldust calls Lawler a loser. He then thanks Marlena, the little people, and the academy. (This isn’t an Oscar, Goldust.) You almost can’t hear him because he doesn’t speak into the mic. Then Marlena thanks her big golden one. Without him, she never would have had the big one! Goldust gets chills from her innuendo. But Hunter & Chyna look pissed.

Speaking of Chyna. They show her talent next. She lifts weights in the gym. We see her working out on various equipment. She does a heavy bench press with no spotter. (That made me nervous. I hope someone was off screen.) Chyna then ends the segment by flicking sweat at the camera.

When they return from break, we see Sunny’s talent. (No, it’s not that! Get your mind out of the gutter!) It’s Sunny’s entrance video. They show footage of her doing modeling shoots in multiple locations. It also includes clips of her recording the song.

Larry Flint Freedom of Speech Award

Bob Backlund joins a radio DJ named Mancow on stage. Backlund tells Todd to stand straight when he introduces him. Then Bob grows angry. Mancow blows cigar smoke into Backlund’s face, so Bob crushes the cigar in his hand. Bob tells him he’s in his world now. He wants Mancow to do something honorable or leave. One of Mancow’s bodyguards threatens to bust a cap in Backlund.

Nominees:

• Jerry the King Lawler

• Stone Cold Steve Austin

• ECW’s Paul E. Dangerously

• Faarooq

• Howard Stern

Howard Stern’s inclusion pisses off Mancow. He wants to fight him. Backlund has enough and dumps the crumpled cigar on Mancow’s head. This leads to a shoving match between Backlund and a bodyguard. An angry Backlund screams about the 1^st amendment. He says they should abolish it because of people like Mancow. During this chaos, Lawler approaches the stage. He thinks he won. But Todd announces Stone Cold is the winner.

Doink sprays Austin with the super soaker. But Stone Cold ignores him for now. Steve does his speech with a mouthful of tobacco. He says pro-wrestling makes him think of blood sweat and tears. Steve tells Bret to expect nothing less at Mania. It will never be over until he sends Bret back to Calgary. Austin then leaves and jumps Doink. The New Blackjacks join him in killing the clown.

Star of the Highest Magnitude Award

(Presented by Stridex)

Todd introduces Chicago legend, Walter Payton. He gets a standing ovation from everyone, except Shawn Michaels’ date. (She must hate the Bears.) Payton acknowledges The Headbangers and Leif Cassidy. He says people like them could bring him out of retirement. He also brings up his history with Shawn Michaels. (I guess he saw his date’s reaction.) Then Walter says a star of the highest magnitude has style and class and knows when to shut up.

Nominees:

• Shawn Michaels

• Stone Cold Steve Austin

• The Undertaker

• Sycho Sid

• Bret Hart

The winner is The Undertaker. Lawler thinks Walter will piss his pants too.

Taker is honored to be considered with the other nominees. But he doesn’t feel he’ll reach the highest magnitude until he beats each of them. (It’s fitting. He’ll face everyone on the list before the end of the year.) He tells Sid he’s first. Then Taker thanks his creatures and his crew. (He looks toward some BSK members when he says it. I hoped he would say, “Suck it, Owen. I have three Slammys!”)

Next, Dok is with George & Adam. They show off the Mania merchandise again. But Dok tells George to clean himself up.

Lifetime Achievement Award

President Gorilla Monsoon and WWF champion Sid come to the stage. They are there to present a lifetime achievement award to Arnold Skaaland. But Sid has words for Taker first. He says he’s not afraid of the dark. Cindy will be no exception. (Did he mean Sunday? Oh, Sid. Your half brain is acting up again.) Gorilla reminds him they’re presenting an award. Monsoon calls Arnold a teacher, role model, and friend. Then they show a video about Skaaland’s career. He was a World War II veteran. His wrestling career started in the 40s after the war. After that, he managed Bruno Sammartino, Andre the Giant, and Bob Backlund. Now, he works in the front office. Arnold also holds a long winning streak in Gin Rummy!

Skaaland kisses his wife, Betty. (You may recognize her. She sat in the front row of many WWE shows over the years. It shows how much the Skaalands meant to the company.) Arnold says he’s honored and pleased. He thanks his wife, who is behind him. (Wait a second. Sid is his wife!? Oh, that wasn’t literal.) He then shakes hands with Sid and Gorilla. (It’s a shame they’re low on time. He deserved a longer speech.)

Miss Slammy Award

Todd thanks the USA Network for giving them extra time. He then announces the winner of the Miss Slammy contest. It’s Sable! Mero doesn’t accompany his wife this time. Sable collects her trophy and calls 1996 the greatest year of her life. She looks forward to many more. Then Sable thanks everyone and leaves the stage.

We see Sunny and she looks pissed. They also show Chyna, which makes Lawler scream in fear. The camera then lingers on Sable and Mero. Sable tells Marc she has two Slammys. Mero is sad because he has none. They even show Taker’s three awards. (Somewhere, Owen is envious.)

Vince and Lawler then wrap up the event. McMahon accuses Lawler of pissing his pants when he lost his award. Jerry is annoyed, but he’d rather console Sunny over her loss. They end the program with a highlight package.

The Good:

• Owen Hart

• Mankind’s speech

• Austin’s speeches

The Bad:

• George & Adam

• Too many pee jokes

• The shameless treatment of Sunny

• The random celebrity nominees

Performer of the Night:

This one is easy. It’s Owen Hart. He stole the show. People couldn’t stop smiling at his antics. That includes me. But I should give Mick Foley an honorable mention. He was good too.

Final Thoughts:

There were some highlights. But most of this was bad. Many of the jokes haven’t aged well. The treatment of Sunny was mean-spirited. Don’t get me wrong. She’s no saint. However, their actions were still in poor taste. If you watch anything, check out the Owen and Mankind stuff. Austin’s work was good too. You can skip everything else.

Thank you for reading. My next review is WWF WrestleMania 13. Look for it this Sunday!