Uncensored ’96

(All screen captures are the property of World Wrestling Entertainment)

Uncensored

March 24, 1996

Tupelo Coliseum

Tupelo, Mississippi

News & Notes: The Four Horsemen and the Dungeon of Doom combined their forces to eliminate Hulk Hogan. They called themselves The Alliance to End Hulkamania. The original plan was for Hogan to face The Giant, The Taskmaster, Ric Flair, & Arn Anderson in a Doomsday Cage Match. They challenged Hulk, but he signed the contract as the Mega Powers. (Did he consult Randy first?) The Match became two men versus eight. The Alliance added two surprising members. One of them was a familiar face from Hogan’s past. Tom “Tiny” Lister (Zeus) returned as Z-Gangsta. The other man is actor/wrestler Robert “Jeep” Swenson (No, not Ron Swanson). WCW introduced Swenson as The Final Solution, but they quickly changed that name. Someone informed them it was horrendous. It changed to The Ultimate Solution. (Fun fact: Swenson played Bane in Batman & Robin. That’s why Bane’s face is on the DVD cover for this PPV.) They also included Loch Ness in the match until WCW realized it wasn’t working. In the storyline, Jimmy Hart removed him from the match and replaced him with Lex Luger. This removed Lex from the Chicago Street Fight with the Road Warriors. Sting needed a new partner. He chose Booker T and promised Harlem Heat a title match in return. This frustrated Sting, so Luger promised he would break free from Hart after Uncensored. (We shall see if he honors that agreement.)

Meanwhile, crazy things happened on Nitro. Arn Anderson scored two victories over Hulk Hogan. He pinned him after using Miss Elizabeth’s shoe (Shoemania is running wild, brother). He also got a DQ win. (Arn beating Hogan was Hulk’s answer to grumblings from the locker room. Plus, he knew it would piss off Flair.) The Mega Powers got a modicum of revenge on the Alliance with the help of a new ally. The Zodiac reappeared with a new look. Who was this mysterious man with ripped tights? Hogan answered that question by shouting, “Booty booty booty booty booty!” It’s the Booty Man! Zodiac is now obsessed with his booty like a PG-rated Billy Gunn. Hogan revealed the Zodiac was his mole inside the Dungeon all along! (Wait, does that include the Butcher’s heel-turn in ’94? That makes no sense!)

We get an intro that feels like a bad acid trip. The Alliance to End Hulkamania talk about doomsday for Hulk Hogan. Arn Anderson tells Hulk to order his last meal. Sullivan says they can’t coexist in this world. Luger claims his back is against the wall. And, Flair screws up the name of the group. He couldn’t care less about this nonsense. Then, Jimmy Hart laughs like a maniac. They slow it down so it sounds trippy. Is this Uncensored or Halloween Havoc?

Tony Schiavone welcomes everyone to Tupelo. He claims there’s not a seat to be found in the house. The crowd shot exposes multiple empty seats. He also says we will see some of the most shocking and uncensored wrestling action in the world. (I doubt that.) Tony introduces his broadcast partners. He questions why Heenan is wearing a leather jacket instead of a suit. Bobby says he doesn’t want to risk his fine clothes. (The truth is, Heenan and Gene got lost on the way to the arena. They arrived late, so Bobby couldn’t change.) Then, they talk about the main event. Dusty calls it dangerous. Heenan thinks it involves twenty men. (I also want to point out the graphic. The people in the truck don’t know the difference between Bobby and Dusty. They put the names in the wrong order.)

U.S. Title Match: Konnan (c) vs. Eddie Guerrero

Notes: Isn’t Uncensored an unsanctioned PPV? How can you have a title match? We are one bout in, and they already broke their own rules. Tony points out this is the only title on the line tonight. That draws more attention to the anomaly. Tony later mentions these men are in the Cruiserweight Title tournament. (I also want to point out the odd entrance. The Doomsday Cage is set up where the wrestlers enter the arena. They walk through the scaffold. I can already tell the crowd has limited visibility for the main event. Oh, and Dusty still calls Konnan, Konad. It always amuses me.)

The Match: They trade many holds, reversals, takedowns, and pin attempts. Eddie uses a Figure Four, but Konnan reaches the ropes. Then, tensions rise until they slap each other. Both men also stall to lead the crowd in chanting their names. It works. Next, they trade arm drags and more takedowns. Konnan and Eddie take turns evading each other’s dives. But, Konnan can’t escape Eddie’s slingshot senton. However, he answers with a Splash Mountain Bomb. Konnan then sends Eddie to the floor and grazes him with a suicide dive. Then, they fight on the top rope a couple of times. Eddie lands a superplex, but they reverse through more pin attempts. They continue until Eddie tries some leapfrogs. Konnan’s head collides with Eddie’s crotch. He wastes no time in covering the prone Guerrero for the win.

Thoughts: This match was solid, but it was slow. They stalled often. Plus, that finish was weird. What were they attempting? I wanted to like this, but it disappointed me. I expected a better match from these two. It also went long. (The stalling made it feel longer. That’s the main issue.) That will unfortunately be a theme tonight.

Winner: Konnan (18:27)

After the match, Konnan helps Eddie to his feet. He tries raising Guerrero’s hand, but Eddie shoves him. Eddie complains about the low-blow.

Gene tells everyone they can chat with The Giant on CompuServe. They show Giant typing on a laptop before pressing enter in an exaggerated manner. Gene then welcomes a nervous Col. Robert Parker. He tells him not to soil himself. (Oh, Gene. That gave me a chuckle.) Parker faces Madusa in an Intergender Match. Robert says he’s doing it for all the men, including Elvis and his Great Uncle, Tom Parker. The Colonel wants gratitude for this fact. He claims he will take that girl and rub her face in it. He’s going to give her what all the cowardly men won’t. Dirty Dick Slater agrees. He says Parker put it right on—nailed it—right on the head. (Well said, Dick.) Slater thinks it will be great when Parker whips Madusa. Gene tells Parker to watch his hands. Robert says don’t worry about that. He’s the man and the rooster! He can prove it! (Gene interviewed a cock and a dick in this segment. This was both uncomfortable and amusing. It’s a good thing Parker played this over the top. If it were serious, it would be more uncomfortable.)

The Belfast Bruiser vs. Lord Steven Regal (w/ Jeeves)

Notes: The Belfast Bruiser is David “Fit” Finlay. He wrestled in Japan and the UK. WCW hired him at Regal’s request. He debuted and attacked Regal. Finlay claimed he would avenge Northern Ireland for the sins of England. Meanwhile, Regal added two new faces to his entourage. First, he hired a butler named Jeeves. (Dusty calls him Chives. Also, here’s a fun fact. The man playing Jeeves played WCW’s mascot, Wildcat Willie.) Then, he added Squire David Taylor to the Blue Bloods. They are now a trio. During the entrances, Finlay slaps Jeeves. (I should also point out Finlay’s look. He has a ridiculous mullet and a porn stache. On top of that, he wears gear straight out of Mad Max.)

The Match: They go straight to brawling. Both men trade hard strikes and aggressive takedowns. Regal tries slowing the pace with holds and arm work, but they keep fighting to the floor. There are more stiff strikes and brawling at the ring apron. Finlay tries grabbing a chair, but the entire row is connected. Regal finally takes control with a low-blow. (Dusty says he kicked him in the gluteus maximus, but he can’t pronounce that word to save his life. I laughed.) Regal then uses more holds and grinds his knee into Bruiser’s face. Fit responds with a backdrop and some stomps. They brawl to the floor again and Bruiser gives Regal two hard punches. The second one breaks Regal’s nose. Then, they brawl to the Doomsday Cage and back. But, the Blue Bloods arrive and attack Finlay to cause a DQ. (So much for Uncensored having no rules.)

Thoughts: This was two men beating the crap out of each other. Regal suffered a broken nose, a broken cheek, and received twelve stitches. They weren’t angry at each other. Both men wanted to show the crowd a hard-hitting match. The finish was an audible. WCW felt the match was too long and too violent. (Isn’t this show uncensored?) They told the Blue Bloods to go out and end it. I agree it went a bit long. The crowd didn’t know what to make of it. But, I enjoyed it for the most part. It was good violent fun.

Winner: The Belfast Bruiser (by DQ) (17:33)

David Taylor and Robert Eaton continue attacking Finlay. Regal slaps him. The Blue Bloods then leave, but Bruiser chases them. He’s so fast he catches up. They brawl through the entryway.

Gene is with The Giant and Jimmy Hart. The Giant faces Loch Ness later in the show. Gene says Hart humiliated Nessy on TV. Hart claims no one puts their hands on him and gets away with it. Gene then mentions the winner of the match will face Ric Flair for the WCW Title on Nitro. (Can you imagine Loch Ness vs. Flair? That sounds awful.) He asks the Giant for his thoughts. The Giant gives him a poem instead. He says, “I can start off with rhymes. I can start off with riddles. Loch Ness, I’ll smoke you like bacon on a griddle!” (Oh, great. The rhymes returned!) Then, Giant warns Flair he will tear him limb from limb. The WCW title will be his again. That’s all he has to say, so Giant leaves. Gene sends it back to the commentators and calls Heenan a weasel. Bobby responds by calling Gene baldy.

The commentators discuss the remaining card. Heenan jokes Col. Parker should take Madusa shopping to fix things. Tony and Dusty look amused. Then, Gene plugs the hotline. He says someone is hanging up the tights to go to Hollywood. Next, Gene introduces Loch Ness. He’s going alone tonight because Jimmy Hart is no longer his manager. Nessy says something about a weasel-faced hat. (Oh, he said Hart. My bad.) He then claims Hart brought him to America and promised him a shot at Hogan. Then, Hart pulled him out of the match. He’s taking it out on the Giant. When he drops 700 pounds on him, he won’t get up. Gene asks what Loch Ness will do if he gets his hands on Jimmy. Nessy claims he can’t say because it won’t be allowed on TV. But, if he does it, Hart will know. (How could he not?) Gene ends the interview by recommending his dentist neighbor to Loch Ness. (Wow! Gene is extra snarky tonight. Nessy looked ready to kill him.)

Intergender Match: Col. Parker (w/ Dirty Dick Slater) vs. Madusa

Notes: Who am I supposed to cheer? Parker is a cheater. Madusa is the mistress who ruined someone’s wedding. Now, they’re fighting each other? Madusa fought Sherri a couple of times on TV. WCW can’t make up their mind about where to direct Madusa’s anger. (Is Alundra regretting jumping to WCW?) Before the match, Parker offers a handshake. Madusa shakes her butt at him instead. At least both of them play this match as silly. They make it entertaining. I don’t mind intergender wrestling if it’s evenly matched or over the top. It only bothers me when it crosses into uncomfortable territory (i.e. Vince vs. Stephanie).

The Match: Parker and Madusa lock up and Dusty loses his mind. They shove each other before Parker gives her the gun show pose. Madusa answers with an arm drag. Parker then uses an Airplane Spin, but Madusa turns it into a sunset flip. She also slams the Colonel, and the crowd erupts. Parker regroups, and Dick Slater joins him for support. The Colonel then returns and uses a choke toss, but he misses an elbow drop. Madusa capitalizes with diving dropkicks and an awkward flying crossbody. She then returns him to the ring and hits a German suplex. But, Slater trips her. Parker rolls on top and pins Madusa for the win. (It’s a suggestive pinning position, to say the least.)

Thoughts: This was fun, and they kept it the right length. The fans enjoyed it. It’s the one match tonight that didn’t overstay its welcome. I’m unashamed to say it entertained me. It’s still not the best use of Madusa, but it’s one of the better things on this PPV.

Winner: Col. Parker (3:47)

Lee Marshall is back and he’s great. He stands in front of a chalkboard with a schematic of the Doomsday Cage. Someone left the game plan on it. Lee discusses the tag division before introducing the Road Warriors. Animal says it doesn’t matter who they face. They want to kick everyone’s butt. He also says Sting & Booker will find out why they’re the Chicago bullies. Then, Hawk explains the medulla oblongata. He threatens to remove Sting & Booker’s brain stems. They will depend on Depends. (Removing the brain stem would kill someone. But, don’t tell Hawk that.) Hawk claims there’s no way Sting & Booker can legally beat them in their match.

The commentators discuss the next match before they show a commercial for Slamboree ’96. The Lethal Lottery returns! They stylize the commercial with a black and white filter. It depicts an underground fight club. (Oops. I broke the first rule. I apologize.)

I Quit Wrestling Match: The Booty Man (w/ Kimberly) vs. Diamond Dallas Page

Notes: They originally booked DDP vs. Johnny B. Badd, but Badd left the company. (Badd dropped the TV Title to Luger before leaving.) The feud shifted to the Booty Man instead. Kimberly showed interest in this booty-obsessed weirdo. She appears halfway through this match. Kim claims she wants Booty as her boyfriend. They join forces and Kimberly calls herself The Booty Babe. Meanwhile, DDP sold all his clothes and jewelry after losing his money. He looks disheveled. His hair is scraggly. His beard is full. And, his tights are cheap. DDP is so distraught, he said he would quit wrestling if he lost this match. However, he gets the money and Kimberly back if he wins.

The Match: DDP stalls often and argues with fans. Booty tries controlling the match with headlocks and arm work, but Page regroups. Dallas even argues with the ref until Nick Patrick shoves him. He also tries leaving, but Booty catches him. Booty then rams DDP into the corner until Page tumbles out of the ring. DDP also bumps for a move Booty forgot to do. (Tony says, “What was that!?”) Page finally takes control with multiple chinlocks and a hotshot. Kimberly arrives, so Page argues with her. He then kisses Kim, so she slaps him. This knocks Dallas into a high-knee by Booty Man. (Get it? It’s a high-knee. HINEY! Oh, WCW.) It’s enough for the win.

Thoughts: This was terrible. DDP did his best to add bells and whistles to the match. It wasn’t enough. Booty Man has limited skills. It was too long and dull. DDP worked magic with lesser wrestlers in the past. But, he couldn’t save this.

Winner: The Booty Man (16:00)

After the bell, Booty Man meets Kimberly and kisses her. She looks surprised. (Or, she’s disgusted. I can’t tell.) They leave together while the officials try calming a frustrated DDP. (The stipulation doesn’t last. DDP returns within weeks. A mysterious benefactor gives DDP money, so he changes his mind on quitting.)

Next, Gene welcomes Jimmy Hart and Lex Luger. Lex poses while Jimmy talks. He plays his abs like a washboard player in a jug band. Lex appears to surprise himself by doing this. (Oh, Lex. Keep being awesome.) Jimmy is sad because it’s his last time managing Luger. He gives Luger a custom airbrushed jacket. He also tells Lex he loves him and runs away crying. Gene tells Hart to blow it out his—well, he doesn’t say. Gene asks Luger for his thoughts. Lex says he’s caught between a rock and a hard place. He says the Doomsday Cage is the most dangerous match he’s ever seen. He has to wrench deep inside his gut and watch Sting wrestle without him. Gene accuses Lex of bailing on him. Luger says that isn’t true. He will watch Sting’s back like Sting does for him. He will also give it his best in the main event. Gene sarcastically tells Luger to hold onto the jacket. He can’t ask for a nicer gift. Luger appears to believe it.

#1 Contender Match: The Giant (w/ Jimmy Hart) vs. Loch Ness

Notes: WCW brought in Loch Ness to be Hogan’s opponent. Hulk saw him and watched Nessy wrestle. He said, “No thanks, brother!” They kicked Loch Ness out of the Dungeon and paired him with The Giant instead. The Giant and Loch Ness brawled on Nitro. Nessy had a match with Luger, but they counted Ness out because of the fight. (Luger posed in the aisle while Giant and Loch Ness scuffled. It was quite amusing.) Now, Giant and Ness fight. The winner receives a WCW Title match on Nitro. (On a side note, Loch Ness uses the theme that later becomes Rey Mysterio’s music. Also, Ness trips on his way to the ring.)

The Match: Both men trade chops, chokes, knees, and headbutts. Ness backs Giant into a corner, but the Giant reverses it. He then tries splashing Nessy, but Loch Ness moves. The Giant tumbles over the ropes in the process. (It looked like an accident. The Giant didn’t want to take a ridiculous bump like that.) Ness returns the Giant to the ring and clotheslines him. He then drops two elbows. The second one misses. The Giant kicks him down and nails a leg drop for the win.

Thoughts: At least they kept it short. It wasn’t as bad as it could have been. The right person won. It was an impressive win for the Giant. But, it wasn’t much of a match. This is the end of Loch Ness’ WCW run. Bringing him in was a mistake. Also, Ness had health issues. Ness returned to the UK. Meanwhile, The Giant faces Flair on Nitro and wins! He becomes a two-time WCW champion.

Winner: The Giant (About 3:50. I’m kidding. It was 2:34)

After the match, The Giant turns to the camera. He tells Hogan that win was for him. (Aw, that’s nice.) He then warns Flair he’s coming for him.

Lee interviews Sting & Booker T. He calls it a mutual admiration society. He also compares it to an All-Star Game. Lee asks Sting for his thoughts, but Booker wants to speak first. He calls himself a straight OG brother from the hood. He has something to prove to the Road Warriors. He’s not scared. If they come down his street, it will be a Harlem Street Fight. Booker says it will be on like neck bone. Sting tries sounding hip by repeating Booker’s lines. He then shoves Booker because he wants him pissed off. Booker threatens to knock him out, so Sting says that’s what he wants. Sting tells the Road Warriors to forget those detached retinas and knee caps—that are detached. (Well said, Sting.) They’re coming for them like the Road Warriors wouldn’t believe! Booker then says it will be nothing but a thing like a chicken wing on a string! Cool dad Sting pretends he knows what that means and fires himself up.

Chicago Street Fight: Sting & Booker T vs. The Road Warriors

Notes: The Road Warriors tired of Luger’s shenanigans. They challenged Sting & Luger to a Chicago Street Fight. Lex accepted without consulting Sting. When the Warriors left, Luger turned to Sting and said, “What’s a Chicago Street Fight?” (I said it before, but this is Luger’s best work. He’s great in this role.) As I mentioned earlier, Jimmy Hart pulled Luger from this match. Sting chose Booker as his replacement. This match has tornado rules. There are no tags.

The Match: They meet in the aisle and begin brawling. The fight spills to the floor often. Animal and Sting take turns crotching each other on the post. Sting & Booker both give Hawk piledrivers, but he no-sells them. Hawk responds with a powerbomb and some submissions. Sting disappears a couple of times to retrieve weapons. He grabs a chair and later two brooms. The brawl ends up around the Doomsday Cage, but they return to the ring. Sting & Booker gain the advantage with weapons. They also capitalize when Animal collides with the post. But, the Road Warriors keep coming. Eventually, Booker has enough and heads to the back. Animal follows him and bumps into Lex Luger. This interrupts Lex’s flexing. It gets worse when Animal knocks Luger into a pile of trash. Luger yells, “Look at me, Jimmy! He ruined my sheen!” (Have I said Lex is awesome on this show?) Luger attacks Animal. He, Stevie Ray, and Jimmy Hart then handcuff Animal to a post. Booker returns to the ring and misses a Harlem Hangover. However, Stevie clocks Hawk with a chair. Booker covers him for the win.

Thoughts: This was way too long! It didn’t need to be thirty minutes. The action was repetitive and slow. The Luger stuff was great, but it wasn’t enough. It was a dull bout. There weren’t enough cool spots to make it interesting. The pacing of this show is awful.

Winners: Sting & Booker T (29:33)

After the bell, Stevie attacks Animal with a chair again. He says he wants his tag titles back. Sting collects the broom and holds it up in celebration.

Then, the commentators talk about the main event. Dusty rambles about forty-five feet of cages and blocked-off areas. Heenan compares it to Alcatraz. Tony explains the rules. The Mega Powers fight through the cages like a gauntlet. The heels can pin them any time, but Hogan & Savage have to progress through every level. Dusty says Hogan will lead them into the 90s. (He realizes it’s 1996, right?)

Doomsday Cage Match: Hulk Hogan & Randy Savage vs. Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Meng, The Barbarian, The Taskmaster, Lex Luger, Z-Gangsta, & The Ultimate Solution (w/ Jimmy Hart, Woman, & Miss Elizabeth)

Notes: The cage has three tiers. The second level is split into two sections by a locked door. Flair & Anderson are in the top tier. The Faces of Fear and Sullivan & Luger are in the middle section. Z-Gangsta & Solution are in the bottom area. (They wait until later to appear.) Michael Buffer does the introductions. He calls Hogan & Savage the Mega Force. (Buffer, you overrated hack. It’s The Mega Powers, not Mega Force. I don’t see Barry Bostwick in this match!) Meanwhile, Tony wonders why Pillman isn’t there. (WCW still thought Pillman would return.) Hogan & Savage enter the arena and climb to the top tier of the cage. (I should point out the floors of each tier are made of mesh. They should have used wooden planks. The wrestlers move gingerly because they worry the floor will break.)

The Match: Everyone throws punches and chops. The Horsemen gain the advantage with low-blows. Flair & Anderson then do stereo-Figure Fours. Hogan & Savage break free, but Flair passes the key to the door into the next section. But, Hogan & Savage use powder to escape into tier two. All four men attack because the door is open. Both teams fight with a chain. Hogan uses that chain to close the door and block the Faces of Fear. (They stand there and watch because it takes Hulk forever.) Hogan then fights Sullivan out onto the scaffold. He threatens to kick Kevin off of it. Then, everyone leaves the cage and brawl on the floor. Both teams use chairs and microphones as weapons. The Mega Powers gain the advantage until Z-Gangsta & Solution arrive.

They grab Hogan & Savage and return them to the cage. Gangsta & Solution use clubbing blows, slams, and chokes. (It’s all they know.) Then, all the heels return to join the attack. Flair & Anderson drop knees onto Hogan. But, the Booty Man appears and gives the Mega Powers frying pans! They also use more powder. Hogan & Savage take out everyone. However, Luger returns with a loaded glove. Flair holds Savage for a punch, but Randy moves. Luger stops—and punches Flair anyway. The Mega Powers start leaving, but Savage remembers the match needs a pinfall. He covers Flair for the win.

Thoughts: This was a disaster. The rules were unclear. The fans couldn’t see anything, so the match had little heat. Z-Gangsta & Solution were useless. Half the match took place outside the cage. Plus, why did Flair eat the pin in a match with two actors? (Poor Ric.) Hogan & Savage defeated eight men in one match. This was the peak of Hogan’s nonsense in WCW. The funny thing is, the Alliance accomplished their goal. This is the end of Hulkamania. Hogan leaves to film a movie. The next time we see him—well, we will get to that.

Winners: The Mega Powers (25:16)

Hogan & Savage celebrate and immediately leave. (They wanted to get away from this mess. When has Hogan ever declined to pose after a match?) Flair is furious. (I think the Luger spot was a botch, but they play it off as intentional on Nitro.) Heenan complains about Hogan’s win. He says this has to stop. He calls Hulkamania an infectious disease. Bobby removes his headset and leaves. Tony tells him not to get lost. (That was a rib about Heenan & Gene getting lost on the way to the arena.) Then, they show credits for the show. They list everyone by first name only. (Even the crew didn’t want their names attached to this show!)

The Good:

• Regal/Finlay was good hard-hitting fun.

• Lex Luger was highly entertaining.

• The commentary was funny.

• Parker/Madusa was amusing.

The Bad:

• That main event.

• Long dull matches.

• The weird finish of Eddie/Konnan.

• Hogan & Savage beating eight men, including the WCW champion.

Performer of the Night:

Lex Luger! This time, I’m unashamed to say it. He was the highlight of this show. That’s two wins in a row for Lex!

Final Thoughts:

This PPV was a mess. I can’t even call it entertainingly bad. When it wasn’t dull, it was insulting. There were a couple of good things, but they were far away from saving the event. I recommend avoiding this one. Thank goodness we are close to the good times. But, we have to go through Slamboree first.

Thank you for reading. My next review is WWF WrestleMania XII. Look for it next Sunday!